Femi Fani Kayode: Silver Spoon Kid And Night Soil Man To A “Dumbo” By Jessica Obioma

imageThere is a huge similarity and a major difference in the night soil job of that era and the one Femi Fani-Kayode has chosen to do for President Jonathan- a man he once described as “a President without balls”. The major difference is the fact that FFK’s brand of Night soil job is so undignified. How do you launder the image of a President that you have already announced to the world, through the internet, that he “is the problem” with your country. Femi actually said in his Premium Times column that “Jonathan is the problem we have in this country today and until he resigns, is impeached or is voted out of power nothing will change and Nigeria will continue to go from bad to worse.” He then said “That is what you get when you vote for a man who never wore shoes to school”.

Isn’t it so hilarious that this arrogant, loud- mouthed Femi (who says Governor Amaechi used to own only one shirt) is now the errand boy of a man who never wore shoes to school? It’s beyond comprehension that this Silver spoon kid who wrote that “Jonathan has deservedly earned such accolades as “dumb”, “clueless”, “incompetent”, “heartless”, “corrupt”, and “very greedy” could condescend so low as to mop after the same “incompetent shoeless dumbo”. Once Jonathan poopoohs in the office, in media briefings or on the campaign ground FFK is at his beck and call, happy to pack the s…t, package it and label it “designers” for the media to buy and sell to the world.

I wish I never read that article where Femi said that this President does not understand the meaning of the word “class” and “honesty.” Also, that “Jonathan prides himself on his own weaknesses and incompetence” and that “his love for false prophets and strange women knows no bounds and no ends.” So our President is addicted to prostitutes and juju prophets? But he already has two wives and we know that Daddy G.O of Redeemed, who says all politicians are liars, is always praying for him on teevee. So why is he then patronising false prophets and prostitutes? Or was FFK so ferocious in his attacks because the government of President Jonathan had accused him of embezzling public funds when he was a minister? He really fought dirty as if there were no tomorrow didn’t he? No he fought like a drowning man.

However, he succeeded in getting the President’s attention hence a special invitation was extended to him to visit Aso Rock where they eventually talked things over, “kissed” and made up. Please don’t ask me what happened to the embezzlement case. All I know is that FFK is in court with EFCC over an allegation that while in office FFK carried out SEVERAL financial transactions and dealings in cash in excess of 500,000 thousand Naira without going through financial institutions contrary to the laws of the land. The best FFK could have done after they “kissed” and made up was take a bow, thank the President and vow never to publish any more callous articles about his dumb incompetence.

But, wait for it, Jona needed to make a point that he may be dumb but the Fani Kayodes of this world are dumber! He may not be Silver spoon like Femi but he’s got what it takes to turn a Silver spoon kid into a Night soil man….(Pause)… “You see, Femi, you and I can be best of pals you know. I am ready to give you an open cheque once you can use your impeccable grammar to prop me up. I mean, you know I don’t have balls you have to lend me yours so that people could stop calling me weak. And, of course, you need the money to maintain your “class”, and high taste in women. I remember you once said in a newspaper interview that you are not faithful to your wife. At least, you and I have a lot in common. We need each other. Those prostitutes, sorry, strange women wanna have fund you know. So I am game, if you are.”… “Oh why not, Mr President, your wish is my dream.” Jona got his pound of flesh!

One of the issues I deal with on my radio shows is the consequences of sexual sins. You need to hear the confessions people make to me about their sexual liaisons. The average politicians is ready to kill and maim just to get into a position with a budget, loot the treasury and sleep with friend’s wives , nieces, inlaws and just any teenager desperate for recharge card. Sexual sin not only wounds your soul and deadens your conscience; it also enthrones the spirit of error. It is quite progressive. It leaves a big hole of insatiability in you that’s why there is a graduation from oral to anal with one woman today, one man tomorrow, then a prostitute next tomorrow. Then you continue to loot and loot and loot the public treasury in spite of the monumental youth unemployment, non-existent quality or free education and no proper medical care for the poor. Each illicit sexual encounter keeps chipping off your virtue, your morality and deadens your conscience. And would you like to know what happens to somebody who has no conscience? Just the same thing that happens in the lives of our politicians that they could wake up from month to month living in affluence while teachers and civil servants go home with no salaries, no food for their families, no peace and no self-worth. Go to the villages and see how people are shrinking out of hunger. They look like refugees in their own homes and those in power are still planning to use soldiers to rig the elections, cause war and more suffering for them.

That was an aside. Back to FFK. On that glorious day, FFK got into Aso Rock a Jona-basher and came out head-over heels in love with Goodluck. When money talks, bullshit walks. Those who say money can’t make you happy have never shopped at Harrods!… Believe me when I say… in my country the so-called rich are more desperate for cash than the poor. They are kleptomaniacs, so insatiable and their conscience is completely dead. I used to think it’s only the Ibos of Okija shrine fame that can do anything for money… Suddenly FFK is screaming his lungs out desperate to convince us that Buhari is Boko Haram and Boko Haram is Buhari. Has he forgotten that he once wrote in his column that “Jonathan regards Boko Haram as his “siblings” and “freedom fighters” so “cannot hurt them”? In fact he stated thus: “I really wonder whose freedom Boko Haram is fighting for, whose interest they seek to further and protect and what blood ties exist between them and our President”. In conclusion he said that Jonathan and co are “shameful and insensitive leaders who have absolutely no empathy with or sympathy for the many victims of Boko Haram.” To have an articulate Fani Kayode who put these arguments in black and white turn around now to say Jonathan must be voted into office for another four years of “shameful , insensitive, clueless, dumb, corrupt and incompetent”, leadership is devilish and criminal to say the least. I have only quoted Femi’s words. I dare not add my own because he has said it all. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 8 verse 11 that “because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil”.

Nigeria is a country that destroys its own. The best brains have no fighting chance to put their talents to good use. See how Jonathan has reduced a brilliant Silver spoon Femi into a mercenary. He has turned Femi into a jaguda. There is no difference any more between him and a slum-bred Fayose who only knows how to make a living out of thuggery.

When Reuben Abati, Chief Press Secretary to the President, published a dossier on how Femi ran the A viation ministry into a state of near collapse Femi fired a ruthless response. He listed how Jonathan cannot account for the 100 billion USD made from oil sale in two years, how he squandered 67 billion USD of our foreign reserves and how he cannot account for 350 billion Naira on security. Then he added: “This is how weak governments that have nothing to offer and something to hide always behave.” He accused Abati of going on “a delusional and self-serving joy ride … and distasteful form of intellectual and psychological masturbation..” Today this same Femi has taken over Abati’s “self-serving delusional psychological and intellectual masturbation” role as the President’s Night soil man. Thank God I have a degree in English otherwise I wouldn’t have understood all these idiotic grammar that they use to lace over corruption and criminality. Abati must be shaking his head in utter disbelief and amazement. Never knew this could happen in my life time that a Femi Fani-Kayode could be part of this President’s attack dogs seeking to out-do everybody else.

Jessica Obioma is a multimedia journalist, author, publisher, TV anchor woman, Radio Show Host and President, Teenage Life Mission. Website: teenencounters.com

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