Onyeka Nwelue and The Fine Art of Mouth To Ass Resuscitation By Pearl Osibu

imageIn Scotland attending the Edinburgh International film festival and as is common with summer the day is just starting to darken at 11pm. So, I have to remind myself that having travelled for 12 hours and just managed to check into the hotel before hitting the town and then ending up at the welcome party, tomorrow is the beginning of a hectic six days so I had better get to bed. But no, not while this rank filth of an article http://www.thetrentonline.com/onyeka-nwelue-the-misunderstood-world-of-linda-ikeji-the-trent-voices/ is in existence. I will not sleep. Not just yet.

So, Onyeka Nwelue has written an article in praise of Linda Ikeja and as I read it, I think of the expression, mouth-to-ass resuscitation and I realize I have finally found the person to ask this question, ‘HOW DOES ASS TASTE?’ Because for someone so well versed in the art of kissing it, I would say Onyeka has more than a passing encounter with said anatomical part.

I don’t even know where to begin with this sad piece of fawning pathetic sycophancy of imbecilic proportions.

Onyeka begins by pointing out that Linda is successful but hated. But he rushes headlong to defend this with, ‘They dislike her under the usual banner of “there is nothing this person is doing that should make her better than I am.” But she is better than most people because she is different from most people. Linda Ikeji is not some air-headed young lady that leisurely eavesdrops on conversations of the celebrities and the upper class and then shares it with the internet. Linda Ikeji takes blogging more seriously than some medical doctors take medical study. From what I observed when I met her, Linda Ikeji obsesses over her blog like it were piece of art. She dedicates herself so passionately to it that it may seem the blog is a child she nurtures.’

So I ask sir, did you forget to take your medication? Whatever else does Linda Ikeji’s blog do if not the air-headedness you described above? Isn’t it an indictment on our society the thousands that troop there to assuage their miserable lives? Is this not the same Linda that drove a young woman almost to suicide when she carried a story about the number of men said lady had slept with and offered her up to her readers like a trussed chicken to pick into a thousand judgemental pieces?

How exactly is that blog any kind of art? Well, perhaps art like a collage, I’d concede but collages are not slap-dash. Is this not the same woman who has been confronted several times for taking people’s work without permission and many times even acknowledging the source? When one person confronts her, she makes a half-assed apology, if that, makes a note of avoiding them in future and continues on to the next. Writers abound.

Of course, Onyeka, in characteristic style peppers the article with inane, slap-happy anecdotes, like meeting Linda and her pretty sisters and Linda liking chocolates and Linda tumbling out of bed in the middle of the night wrapped in a duvet to blog *nudge nudge*. He was also impressed that Linda wanted to eat Nigerian food. There is no end to this young man’s dizziness.

He intones, ‘Now, let me get back to the writers. Linda Ikeji did not just appear from nowhere. Like the rest of us, she had been struggling in the dark city of Lagos, until her wheel of samsara turned. Her tough days prepared her for this glory.’ If you were saying this about say Chimamanda Adichie who was also mentioned in the article as a fan of Linda’s blog *hic* I would understand. No one begrudges Chimamanda her money and glory however they may despise her politics. She is not a thief.

What I find amusing is the length Onyeka goes to defend the indefensible, and yet, he was the same person who had the guts to attack Tonto Dikeh for showing off tattoos http://dailypost.ng/2013/01/07/onyeka-nwelue-an-open-letter-tonto-dikeh/ and Tiwa sawage for showing off her marriage, http://www.gistus.com/48681/you-beyonce-jay-z-onyeka-nwelue-slams-tiwa-savage-teebillz

So, one needs to wonder what he hopes to achieve with this. Does he hopes Linda would maybe grant him a mention somewhere and skyrocket him to fame? Fame by association?

Dear Onyeka, this is how NOT to praise somebody. I can almost see Linda herself cringing with embarrassment as she reads this and screaming to her four walls, ‘aaaaargh, I wish you wouldn’t.’ while you might not have done Linda any favours, however simperingly pious your intentions, you ended up sounding like a gullible, demented, lovesick puppy. Maybe you should leave whatever you are doing and start carrying Linda’s bag around for her. I think this will give you the utmost fulfilment you could never dream of.

If you want to make someone look good, make them look at least flawed and yet lovable. You say you are a writer, you should know this simple thing. Apart from the fact that no one likes a little miss goody-two-shoes, it is more believable. As it is, you have succeeded in telling us you know Linda, you are honoured by this to the extent that for this honor, you are willing to mortgage your common sense and pride. You have heard.

Source: Sabinews.com
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