President Jonathan, Stop Wasting Our Money On Your Campaign Handlers by Pius Adesanmi

imagePeople have been excerpting statements that are gems of the rhetorical genre of self-immolation from Oga’s campaign podium performance in Lagos. My favorite is:
“You must vote for your liberation!”
Hehehehehehehe. Oga’s got jokes!
Liberation from who – since 1999?
Liberation from who – since 2011?
When you and your party have been in charge since 1999, perhaps it is not a good strategy to tell the people that you have come to liberate them in 2015? Perhaps it is not a good idea to hint that they have been in bondage since 2011?
Na total opata talk for any incumbent seeking re-election to say: I have come to liberate you.
I’m just saying ni o.
And, by the way, cleaning up your campaign for you is foisting a dual mandate on the Buhari supporter. I have my own candidate to promote but the appalling quality of your campaign won’t let person rest.
So here is the deal:
You are wasting our money on your campaign handlers. Pastor Wendell Simlin is also wasting our money on the hordes he hires and unleashes on Facebook and Twitter to do cyber joro jara joro for you. Very often, those of us working to send you back to Otuoke have to take on the humanitarian task of elevating the level of the interventions of those paid by Pastor Wendell Simlin to do your work here.
The other day, one of your people wondered how it is possible to be a law professor and a pastor and someone had to spend valuable woman hours on his education. Unpaid hours fa.
Everyday, I see many people having to constantly educate those paid by Pastor Wendell Simlin for caterwauling duties on social media. “I am not saying you should not oppose me o but here is how to frame your argument properly. Here is how to elevate the level of your intervention. You do it like this: ABCD, ehen, better.”
Instead of spending our money on folks who go to Walls where they need to be retrained by your imagined enemies, why not stop spending it on them?
Spend it on those of us who have a dual mandate of promoting our own candidate and educating your social media vuvuzelas at the same time. We have earned the money you are distributing yanfu yanfu to social media askaris who can hardly place an incorrect sentence successfully after another incorrect sentence. For instance, I have asked you to stop using the word “liberation” in your talking points. That is free advice from an opponent. None of your paid vuvuzelas thought of that. You see what I’m saying? We, your opponents, are the ones doing the work that you and Wendell Simlin are paying them to do.
Now, because we are not in this thing for money, here is what we want you to do. Take the money we have earned from cleaning up your daily deluge of campaign gaffes and use it to upgrade any General Hospital of your choice anywhere in the remotest areas of Bayelsa state.
Upgrade the said hospital to a level that can take care of your health needs. After you hand over to Buhari/Osinbajo on May 29, 2015, we want to be able to tell our friends in Germany that our former president will no longer require their healthcare services because he used money saved up when he stopped paying social media noisemakers to upgrade a hospital in his home state. Dazzol.

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