The Villain of 2015 By Pius Adesanmi

imageGrass and antelope are fighting in a land far far away. None of the citizens of animal kingdom can perform the civic duty of traveling to the scene of the great fight to witness things for themselves. They call for a volunteer to go and report things back objectively and evenhandedly. Ogbeni Lion makes a brilliant campaign speech about his unimpeachable sense of objectivity and neutrality. The animals send him as emissary to witness the fight between grass and antelope.
On reaching the venue of the great fight, Ogbeni Lion elects to sit on a very high fence in order to see the feuding parties clearly. He begins to write and file his reports dutifully.
The animals receive 25 and a half juicy reports per day. Twenty-five reports celebrate the great wrestling prowess of grass, the beauty of grass’s blows. The half report grudgingly hints that antelope is somehow surviving the fight. With each report filed by Ogbeni Lion, grass looks progressively like a saint while antelope progressively looks like a monster who deserves to be killed.
Lion dutifully signs every report as the great neutralist of the age.
Soon enough, the animals detect that something is wrong. It starts to look to them like Ogbeni Lion is working actively for the victory of grass while professing his neutrality very loudly. How could Ogbeni Lion ever file a report favorable to an antelope? Some animals believe they have detected an obsession to demonize one party in Ogbeni Lion’s reports. Some bold animals even go ahead to name Ogbeni Lion’s condition: antelopephobia.
Naturally, Ogbeni Lion is deeply offended by these insinuations. He proclaims his innocence and neutrality very loudly. He insists on his right to be neutral. The animals agree but say it depends on how neutral the definition of neutral is.
Tongues continue to wag in the animal kingdom. It is said that grass is in the habit of boasting that he is a great protector of the interests of the carnivorous citizens of the Federal Republic of Nature. After all, the taller he grows, the more effective the cover he provides for carnivores during hunts.
It just so happens that Ogbeni Lion, like messers Cheetah, Leopard, etc, needs to slide through tall grass to get as close as possible to prey before pouncing…
It just so happens that antelope is on the menu of Ogbeni Lion the great neutralist…
While Ogbeni Lion continues to file his neutral 25 and a half daily reports – 25 in favour of grass, half in favour of antelope – from his observation fence, the animals conclude that
Like every other thing in this world
Has its origins tied to the demands of the belly.
I have decided for Buhari. No apologies. Many in my circle have decided for Buhari. No apologies.
Many in my circle have not decided for Buhari. They have decided for Jonathan. Odia Ofeimun says Jonathan is the best thing to happen to Nigeria after Oxygen. If I see Odia in Lagos, I will abuse him while drinking his beer. Abdul Mahmud, my broda of Obemata fame, is resolutely for Jonathan while managing not to support PDP. If I see Obemata in Abuja, he knows he must host me properly and thoroughly. My broda, Kennedy Emetulu, has debated me on the side of Jonathan and given me some knocks. Kennedy dares not dodge my beer when next I am in London. Uzor Maxim Uzoatu and Obiwu Iwuanyanwu are Jonathanians. Dem no go try am make dem no buy me beer when we see because we are brothers.
Many in my circle have not decided for Buhari or Jonathan. They have not decided for anybody. They say they cannot stomach the candidates and what they see as the “charade” of the entire process. They are neutralists who are doing something akin to conscientious objection in the military. That, my friends, is also a perfectly legitimate position to take. My broda, Onyemaechi Ogbunwezeh, falls into this category. He dislikes all the options on the ground intensely but does not go about cleverly trying to promote one while wailing neutrality. After gyrating dangerously near undeclared declared Jonathanism because he cannot stomach Buhari, my son, Mitt Okorie, has now settled for full conscientious objection.
In other words, there is no camp in which I do not have family. That I love what Ogbunwezeh is doing in Frankfurt means that I know neutrality when I see it. I know conscientious objection when I see it. Ogbunwezeh is indeed neutral. He does not try to insult my intelligence.
What I will not stand for is anybody insulting my intelligence in broad daylight by saying that what looks like a duck, feels like a duck, and quacks very loudly like a duck is in fact a kitten. That is what is so annoying about these undecided decided Jonathanian alainikanses (or decided undecided Jonathanian alainikanses) who have done everything to butter the fortunes of the incumbent wittingly and unwittingly. Like the lion in the tale above, they release 25 and a half updates per day – 25 obsessively demonizing Buhari and the last half an update reluctanctly slapping Jonathan’s wrist in their head for ground, yansh for up understanding of neutrality.
If they stuck with their vacillations – their chameleonic undecidabilities – and let me stick to my own position and candidate in peace, there would be no wahala. But of all the groups in our political firmament now, they are the loudest in wailing the moral superiority of their non-position, constantly huffing and puffing and condemning everybody who has decided for Jonathan, Buhari, or other candidates and who consequently has a job at hand.
If you have found a new career in vacillation at a moment in the life of Nigeria when anything but vacillation is needed, that is your prerogative, your wahala. I am happy for you and I recognize your right to vacillate.
But you will not bully everybody into accepting vacillation as the latest superior morality in town.
We no go gree.
A o ni gba!
The villain of 2015 will not be the Buharist
The villain of 2015 will not be the Jonathanian
The villain of 2015 will not be the genuine neutralist/conscientious objector
The villain of 2015 will be the decided undecided Jonathanian who moralizes about neutrality atop a fence which favours the perpetuation of the incumbent.

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