THE SNOOTY
These are the incurable snobs. They exist across all socioeconomic strata. Their egos are higher than cirrus clouds and you can imagine the chips on their shoulders if you have ever seen the shoulder pads of Atilogu dancers. They will never like anything you write. They exist only for their cluster of friends. No matter how incisive or insightful your comment is on their wall, they will never like it. Most snobs are closeted haters by philosophy, but they try very hard to conceal it. If they are well to do, they hang on to their SUV driving crowd and look down on everyone else. If they are not so well to do, they snob you for stupid reasons like not calling them auntie because they were your seniors in secondary school or for reasons of age. They quietly harvest your good friends who they think might make them look good. Do not be deceived, they live, eat and sleep on your wall but they will never acknowledge you. The snooty are averse to intellectual exchanges, they post on niche subjects like fashion, celebrities and the like. They are avid disseminators of in your face quotes. You read things like…”I was not created to please you, what is your stress?”

THE MENGISTU
The Mengistus are my one of my favorites. They never fail to amuse. They got on facebook because they are usually followers of trends. They had no idea what to do and how to do it. They violate all the known rules of facebook without a care in the world. They are unaware of other features on Facebook except the timeline. When you don’t take their calls, they write on your timeline…”Bamidele, I called you yesterday and you did not “pick”, call me o”. They either have not heard of facebook messenger or they have no use for it. If they are not using unflattering passport photographs as their profile pictures, you will find a picture that is upside down. They have no idea how to rotate it. They believe every hoax and repost every crap. They come on Facebook when they have bonus data or when they buy 10 megabytes. When they have data they comment on everything that comes into their newsfeed because they fear facebook may eject them if they don’t. On their wall you find stuff like…tomorrow morning stamp your feet twice, spit on your palms and rub it in your face. If you don’t do it cancer will catch you o. Post this on your timeline as a marker to ward off the evil spirit. They remind you of the Bushmen of the Kalahari. They are facebook aborigines!

THE SHOW HORSE
The Show Horse is a photograph addict. They have transformed “Share” from a caring verb to almost an intolerable verb. They share the pictures of their new shoe, the car, driving in traffic, the latest Aso Ebi, the Party pictures, nice spots in the house and everything is the Lords doing and it is marvelous in his eyes. The less affluent ones posts pictures that reflects bad taste; the portrait taken in badly kept room with stuff strewn around, the cocktail table with left over food and so on. The pictures are often taken with poses borrowed from MTV Base and mannerisms from the notorious projects of the Bronx and Chicago East side; the pouted lips, the peace sign, the sagged pants and the generous cleavage from push up bras. Then you have the facebook Amoniseni(perennial “hailers”) posting comments like; “nothing do you joor (sic)”, “fine boy no pimples”, “you look takeaway”. You look at the pictures and you shake your head. And Bamidele, the emerging like bomber will click the sympathy like. Chai!

THE PEACOCK
This is the preening dude or gal. The pictures are always impeccable, most often studio pictures. They don’t want to present any lesser image. The shirt collars are always in place, the nails always done, the smiles always fixed. If the chairs and tables are not covered in a party, no pictures be dat. You can go through all the pictures, no item of clothing is ever repeated. The peacocks confuses themselves with the Hollywood folks. They post pictures with newly acquired stuff every time and in most instances they are cheap stuff. From bogus costume jewelry that are choking hazards to Sunglasses that looks like gas masks. They prize themselves on the number of likes or adulating comments their pictures get. They hoard their own likes and do not dispense likes anyhow. No picture or update is ever good enough to be liked. I have removed quite a few of them from my list because they add nothing. I don’t do Instagram, I hear a few of them are there, doing their thing.

THE BRAGGART
Oh my God! These folks can brag! They have never heard about humble bragging. It is always about them. When I was this, when I was that. I am this and that! Even when posting comments on other peoples wall, they almost always make it about them. They project themselves richer than they actually are, yet the mannerisms and dressing tells a different story. They share common ancestry with the pretenders. Always “forming”…when you seek them out, you see them in dated stuff and the projection on facebook doesn’t match the reality.

THE FIGHTER
I don’t like fighters. They are loud, very loud! When they disagree with you, they go to their wall and write about you. Loyalty means nothing to the fighter and they are good at sacrificing friendships at the slightest opportunity. The fighter takes everything personal. He is a fanatic of some sorts. He’s just a couple of removes from ISIS level fanaticism. If you are in opposing camps politically, stay off his wall. If the fighter is a woman, and you offend her, she opens your file and everyone will know what you cooked that burned the house down. The fighter doesn’t tire out, he harbors the anger of an arsonist. Pick your friends carefully and avoid the fighter!

THE VILLAGE IDIOT
These ones are infected with foot and mouth disease. They always put their foot in their mouth. They misread every update, they don’t understand sarcasm, they don’t get the jokes, they cannot comprehend satire and they misfire like a car burning bad fuel. You find them apologizing after they are graciously corrected. They don’t understand what Google is, at the mention of anything, they ask you for the link. The village idiot doesn’t get it. He sees nothing wrong in Iyiola Omisore attempting to eat two ears of corn at once. He defends Ganduje breaking bear bottles in Kano and considers it an expression of fundamental human right. The village idiot loves his leaders to a fault and worships his pastor. He has an unquestioning character. His comments and disposition calls his morality into question. Personally, I think it is a matter of IQ. When someone’s IQ is near room temperature range, he is a village idiot. He riles me up!

To be continued…